The word, who

I have been meaning to write since that traumatic night in July, when I was forced to drink far to much wine and dance to the sounds of faded crooners. I still feel dirty. The soap has no effect. Anyway I guess what I’m trying to get around to saying, and believe me it’s hard for a super hero to say it, especially one as handsome and well respected as me is…

What’s that there on the wall?

It’s a fly.

Didn’t work, did it, that moment of distraction. I blame evolution. People are wising up to my ways. Thanks. There I said it. Spat out like toothpaste down the drain. Dragged from my bleeding body. Oh how I wept. The heavens should open, and consume be before I utter another nice word. Has it come to this!

“He’s lost the plot” I hear you say. “He never had” it said Tony. What is the plot or even can words express a situation or condition adequately enough to convey meaning? What is meaning? Just because a larger percentage believe Blue is blue, is it? People struggle for meaning and then there is the sentence “who are you”. Drives me absolutely bonkers that one. Are you a name or function or more? How did the word “who” get into the dictionary? Was it placed there to make us think or simply just annoy?

Well I’ve had my rant, and it’s about 5:30 on a Saturday so I’m off for a shower. Life goes on or so it seems.

It’s Monday. I feel tired. Think I’ll change my jeans tonight. Steph says that I should change them more often as they smell. This from a woman who talks about saving the planet. All the clothes glow due to the large amounts of whitener in the washing liquid. The washing machine is on 24/7. I’m going to breakdown before it does.

I have a computer in my wardrobe. I spent today working out of the wardrobe. I’m not sure why I do that as I have an office. Maybe I’m trying to hide from the world. Oh the Sun just came out. Makes me feel happy or at least I think it’s happiness, not sure really. All I can say is that it causes a change in my mood. Makes me feel optimistic about nuclear decommissioning. I bought a Helly Henson jacket at the weekend in Retail Hell Outlet. It only cost £50, and it makes me look exciting, and fun to be with. Oh yer baby.

Dear Laura & Craig

Thanks for Sunday night. I had a brilliant time. It’s been a long time since I was set free, and allowed to talk to other people. I don’t know why but I am viewed in general as being quite mad. There’s nowt funny as folk I suppose! I loved the veggie food despite the obvious collection of vampire feed stuff. The wine was top notch and before long all back pain had vanished in the haze of self assured domination.

I thought the video player was pretty weird, but I liked the presence. Don’t ask me to explain. You must both come over and stay the night. If you live until the morning you can collect a million pounds! I can take Craig for a long walk past numerous football players back gardens. On me ead lieke. It’s a game of two parts.

Dear Mike & Sarah

So you want to visit do you? Well the Moon is full and the dogs are howling so why not! If you cannot run the enclosed AutoRoute due to a lack of a personal PC then you are both sick. If this is the case I would advise you to drive to Birmingham, and walk from there. Just follow the line of burning cars, and be sure to carry a six-pack of fake continental larger to barter for your life. When you reach what looks like a large open prison take a left and follow the mountains of Wales. You will reach a crossroads called Three Mills. Take a right hand turn. The weather will improve as you enter Heaven, and people will smile at you. Be sure to wear sun glasses. If you get lost listen for the sweet voice of our darling child who will be calling your names.

You would think that the 2 years of enforced father hood and Telly Tubby madness would have ravaged my mind and body; it has. Be sure to bring a camera to photograph my triple chin, and eye bags. Please do not mention the protruding belly or the occasional spray of spittle. Try to remember me as the Greek God I once was.

Dear Robert

Sorry I cannot be with you today to share in the delights of washing a baby in public. If things go to plan I should be pooing myself round about now. I’m using “bleeding edge technology” which is bleeding crap to deliver a new online system, which I promised everybody I could deliver in 4 weeks. Week 3.  I believed the Adobe Acrobat hype about using the format to produce interactive web forms without the pain of HTML. But you have to register as an American citizen to gain access to the programming interface tools. Of course the rest of the world cannot do this as they may use the PDF files as weapons of destruction. Which is fair because I think I would go bloody bonkers after filling in the online data only to be told I have to pay in dollars etc. Bastards. Fucking bastards. Push the button now. Launch the missiles. Oh best to read this outside of a Holy place. Mind you the church is simply a male collective who seek to dominate and control by selling somebody else’s ideas e.g. “God simply wanted us all to live in peace”. You don’t need silly tunics and large COLD stone buildings to understand that. Bastards.

Anyway. The VCD’s are yours to keep, and if I was you I would take good care of them, as they will probably be worth a lot of money when we are both dead. If you want anymore let me know.

I have cold, and on Thursday I thought I would try one of those “24 hour” cures. Wow. I floated along the pavement, and don’t remember anything I did in work. Oh but wait, I did tell the manager to sit down and stop behaving like a child. Which he did, despite his Rugby physique? I wonder if I appear menacing to some people? I suppose I could be a Dr Evil for a while, until the death threats and guilt kicked in.

Must go the rushing sound in my ears is intensifying. Still have a cold, and I think high blood pressure.

Fuck it.