Dear Barbra
I heard you recently landed a two4one all expenses paid package at a local government establishment, and since I am off work today I thought I would pursue a small investigation into the details of such an offer. Well I can tell you that you have nothing to worry about. Apparently Donald Pleasance, and Rachel Welch will be given an ordnance survey map of your body, and a ray gun, before being lowered into a “Hello Matey” bath time submarine.
Donald and Rachel are shrunk down to the size of a teacher’s salary (really small). After that they are injected into your body as you watch the omnibus edition of Coronation Street. Believe me you won’t feel a thing. Using the map they steer the submarine to the first trouble spot, and zap anything that looks remotely like a Fiat Punto or the “Chuckle Brothers”. If it’s the chuckle brother I hope they scream in agony. I really hate them. Really. After this first success Donald will take offence at Rachel not respecting his dreams of World Domination/Nasal hair and her need to use the Ray Gun as a hair dryer. Donald looses his cool, and although he later goes on to host children’s daytime TV he crashes the submarine and threatens to exterminate your texting thumb. As Rachel swims free of the damaged submarine your autoimmune system launches endless repeats of Grease “The musical” to drive Donald out of your body. Rachel makes here way to the final mission spot, but without the Ray gun she has to use her conversational skills to bore the squatter to death. With minutes to spare before the shrink ray wears of Rachel emerges from your epiglottis to a rapturous applause by staff and a guaranteed years tour of the American circuit.
So as you can see, it’s close but not that close. Believe me I’ve been there.